it was about five years ago when a relative needed a place to stay. a number of things came into play, but the major factor was that she was now a mother where the father figure immediately left the picture when he found out she was pregnant. a short time later, another young man came into her life and became a part of my household. after a short time in the picture, i had learned of his situation. it was due to making a couple deliveries of cocaine of which another adult twice his age had him make. he had told me that he didn’t want to snitch (it happened to him) and felt as if he had that those further up the line would do him in. he was in a tough spot, and i knew that the young man was simply vulnerable. if that had been me in that kind of situation at that age, i would have not chosen to take the hit for such a thing.

throughout the time that he stayed with me, i knew that he had a hard shell on the outside based on a number of factors that he shared with me while growing up that pretty much set him up for his current situation. however, he was working and helping to take care of the mother and child in my home. every now and then he’d give me a little money, but i told him, you’ve got enough going on. all i really asked him to do was do some things around the household as a trade off. throughout this time, we had talked about a lot of different things, and i’d tell him about the many difficulties i had in my adult life. i had shown him a few pieces i had written and how i’d always turn to that, but at that point i’m sure he didn’t see the connection as for himself.

to backtrack just a tad, he came into the relatives life when her baby girl was in the approximate range of about a 18 months old, but it had come time for him to go to court in a plea deal of which he would be incarcerated. the baby girl in the house at this point was around three years old.

that time came and into the system of incarceration. i didn’t see this whole thing in a positive light whatsoever as i had absorbed more negativity in life than positives. i knew in foresight how tough these things can be on those in a relationship. for a good spell, he’d call and she’d be around to take the calls, but after time, she wouldn’t be around to take calls, but i’d take them and talk to him for a spell. i detected his frustration, and shortly her own vulnerabilities of being alone finally came into play. i knew she didn’t want to talk to him and it left me in a tough spot because i just didn’t know what to say to the young man. i saw this coming. i took a number of phone calls until it became apparent that i could no longer do so as my phone bill just got so high (a money racket no matter how you look at it). i’d see the calls coming in but i’d have to let them ring. i felt it wasn’t my place as i wasn’t the one in the relationship, but like I said, these things are tough. nevertheless, i felt bad about this whole thing.

time had elapse and his time of incarceration was in it’s final legs as he was in a halfway house and working. he had called, and we talked for a bit. he kept saying that he owed me money. i told him that he didn’t owe me a thing. i wasn’t about to take any as i felt that he was paying more of a debt to society than what was necessary.

a couple of months had gone by and he stopped by my place. we chatted for a bit, but i could see that the system had beaten him down. i could read it in his eyes. this is where i detected that he had a sensitive nature about him. it wasn’t long after that, i had seen him just leaving the pharmacy and he didn’t say a word to me as that hard shell was covering up his sensitive nature (my relative and her child had moved into another relationship and moved out sometime shortly after he had left to do his time). it had been a short time after i had seen him in the pharmacy that i had heard that he took an overdose of heroin.

8 responses to “A BAD DEAL ENDS IN GOODBYE

    • thanx chatty…..it’s great that I can show this on paper and that I show strength by doing so. however, being alone without a real life companion makes for a meaningless life. this is practically the reason why I started to write. why? when ya been ignored all your life, how on earth can ya get anyone’s attention when ya aren’t extroverted. after all, they grab all the glory. but the insight is introverts have to sacrifice to get the ultimate reward.

      • I have to agree. Being alone has its plus side, but not being able to explore life with a partner, makes the journey a lonely one. Its sad that introverts cant shine the way their opposites do, in an effortless manner. But i see that your writing gives you happiness. Hopefully it will bring something more too.

      • i’m not so sure it’s providing happiness. it’s more like raising social awareness. happiness isn’t a front runner at the moment. unfortunately that’s been turned upside down. the personal life presently is a shattered mess. that’s why I’ve been writing so heavily to see it’s way through. though I know I know good people are out there, I just don’t attract that. I’ve been the ultimate magnet of no trusting souls. the insight through what i’m going through would be this. why is the word “manipulation” in the psychiatrist handbook as a personality disorder. obviously it’s rampant in the states, but yet those that are actually afflicted with disorders get treated far more harshly than the manipulators due in the states. what’s your thought on that insight?

      • There are two takes on manipulation in my head. (Mind you, i dont live in states). But… A person, who manipulates others is either very very smart, or an emotionally hurt person, who sees that as the only/last resort to achieve something. Manipulation in itself is art. To do that efficiently (for the lack of a better word), you have to have other skills that are astonishing! Dedication, patience, intuition, quick logical thinking… Is that a personality disorder if a person constantly keeps on doing it? Maybe not a disorder, but definitely a personality trait.

  1. you are absolutely correct. I have plenty of great traits. obviously intuition is one of them. it’s kinda like a forerunner for psychic abilities. I’ve got a tad of that. I know when the police are on the road when they want to catch you for speeding. I have dedication in certain areas. however a strong work ethic operating a forklift doesn’t do anything for me because i’m quicker and faster than my cohorts. it’s part of my highly sensitive personaility trait….which as you may know that is the trait that psychics are. I’ve been surrounded by too much negativity. it seeps in my skin. my strong suit is empath – feeling. I tend to give too much ground to people – which that would fall under patience. i’m a processor. I’m not quick on my feet in a logical sense. I have to go through stuff and then comes the analytical approach – insights after the fact. I will tell you this, the highly sensitive personality trait which I have is only in 10 -20 percent of the population. that is why people just don’t get me. in western culture they say you need to get tough skinned. that’s a high school mentality. what growth is there from that vantage point? are ya far far away from the states?

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